WTF.ARE.YOU.DOING
I moved to New York City January 15th of 2019, and so I thought why not pick up some new habits for this new chapter, new ways of pushing myself forward. I found myself writing my about daily miscellanious habits. Little things, budget records to cut my spending. dream journals for whatever comes at me strong. training quotas, how many miles can you run a week when you really hate running? how about when it's snowing outside? Small things here and there to keep a record that Im making an effort; the following comes from a folder called "WTF did you do today" a section of the notes app on my phone. Where I would write the minute by minute of the day, just to see how well I could recall it all, what I can improve on, what blocked me, what inspired me. I've lost the habit of keeping this journal, its been a while. but in the spirit of new beginnings in 2021, and my upcoming new task/detour/adventure, I thought about sharing this.
WTF did you do today. entry 10 Feb 17. 2020
I usually only write here when Im feeling empty.
not today.
today Im quite full,
Ill tell you why.
Yesterday I woke up after sleeping a couple hours, coming back from a party were I saw and spoke to a lot of friends. I woke up, went to get some bagels to share with the ones who remained. after, I went to Pierres Studio where I worked on stretching a canvas, talking about art, life, finances etc. then I went home and started working on my self portrait, and my new piece as well.
I caught myself thinking how lucky I can be… right?
two and a half years ago, I was laying in bed, very unhappy with my decisions, my health, and the way of life I had been carving for myself, there was this point in time period where I refused to look at people in the eye out of the need to remain disengaged and numb, the idea of pouring my thoughts into conversation was unpleasant at best, anything felt better when I escaped. At one point I made the decision to become an artist, take the chance. the odds aren’t great, but I figured what was the point of all this if I didn’t use my individual talents for something. And here I am, two years after; in a sun filled, spacious art studio, with a great art mentor and friend teaching me about art in life. I am standing in one if not the most vibrant and artistic cities in the world. Im grateful for finding a mentor that really makes my understanding and confidence on my work as solid as it could be. I no longer second guess the ‘why’ to create a the work. I no longer think ‘this will make me famous’ or ‘people will like this’ ‘people will like me for this’. no no no.
no. Now I can see my work, and I loose the gimmicks.
so Im thinking about this choice I made, about becoming an artist.
who would I be, if I hadnt chosen this path. who would I be, If I didnt taken the leap to be an artist.
I cant help but think.... what would I have done to myself. my life escalated in one direction, shut up completely, if you would have met me then, you wouldn’t recognize me now, If I would have kept that old life up, I would be up on the mountains somewhere, wondering what I could have done with my life.
like I mentioned earlier, I’m having little detour on my way to being the artist that I want to be, this detour is taking me to Florida for a few months, before I come back to NYC stronger and hungrier, maybe wiser too.